Friday, August 28, 2009

A lil more about me....My children! will get a lil sad but good read

Bare with me on this one. Its kinda personal and probably take a few tissues to get through. I have 4 children. I have a 8yr old Angel, a 6 yr old, and my 3 year old divas. I always said my children are my testimony of some of the things that I been through. When they say that God loves you and is better to you than any man, I will say have to say AMEN. I cant claim to be the best Christian out there. I know I am not. I know God and I have a praying relationship with him but I cuss, I fuss, I dont even go to church like I should. But despite it all he loves me. I am not trying to preach to you. Most who know me knows that I will not push my faith down your throat but I will let you know that I wouldn't be where I am if God wasn't by my side. OK OK OK!!!! On with the story

If you read my last blog you know that I got married back in 2000. Soon as I got married, I got pregnant (honeymoon baby. TMI I know). I have to be honest, my pregnancies were always pretty easy. I loved being pregnant mostly. Up to the third trimester of my pregnancies, I get HUGE. Which makes me so uncomfortable and then I am READY to get them babies out. Well skipping through all that. I went to labor with my first son. I was 41 wks and later that morning I was schedule to be induced. So I just headed to the hospital. Once I laid down, they did the normal monitoring. At this point, the nurses are running in and out of my room. They are saying nothing to me. They nervous and I knew that something was wrong. Well finally the nurse said Mrs. XXXX we can't find a heartbeat and we have to go get your Doctor. At that moment I knew what it meant but something kept me strong. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. Actually come to think of it I didn't move. They were still running back and forth getting all the fancy U.S. equipment and everything but still I couldn't move. I looked at my husband and his expression on his face was heart breaking. Then all of a sudden, I turn to my husband and said. He is gone. He said "Dana stay positive, he may be ok." Some calm cam over me and I just knew. I mean in my head I was freaking out. WHAT???? MY BABY IS GONE!!!! I just felt him kicking me. I just went to my Dr. Appt the day before, he was fine. Not only was he sounding fine, he was measuring to be a healthy BIG baby.

Now to rewind for a quick moment, let me tell you what happened just a week prior. I had two incidents that were signs of something but I didn't realize until after Mikey passed. First incident....I had a dream that I had my baby but my mother in law would not let me see my baby. I begged and begged but she would not let me see MY baby. I remember waking up with a feeling that I had been crying all night (If that makes sense).

Now, I will tell you I believe in Angels, ghosts or what ever you want to call it. With that being said, I went shopping a few days later with my brother and mother. They took me shopping so I could walk and maybe put me in labor. Then all of a sudden, I could smell this STRONG odor of High Karate cologne. Some of you younger ladies may not know what it smells like but let me tell you its not a pretty smell. I would say its on the same level of going to Rite Aid and buying some Old English. Anyway, I kept asking my mother and brother did they smell it. They kept looking at me like I was a fool. I had them smelling and sniffing the air but they didn't smell it. My deceased grandfather wore High Karate. He would always joke that we didn't know nothing about the good stuff. It was like the scent of this cologne was following me. I was sniffing my mother and brother. I walked in different stores thinking it was someone passing by from the previous store. But this scent was following me. It was driving me crazy. I kept telling my mother and brother I smelt Grandpa. I know you can imagine the looks they gave me because they didn't smell it. Then all of a sudden the smell left. No more smell. I just dropped it and headed to the food court. A big preggie woman HAD to eat right.

Now fast forward back to the hospital...I didn't lose you yet did I.

Well finally, the doctor told me "Dana, I am so very sorry to tell you but your baby didn't make it. Since we don't know when and how, the safest way to deliver your child is to induce your labor to try to speed it along and you have him naturally." So, this woman just stood there and told me that I had to go through the motions, and deliver my baby boy knowing he has passed. Finally, My husband called all our family to break the news. I have to be honest this was one of the most heart breaking moments in my life. Everyone came and was there with us for 17 and half hours waiting for their cousin, nephew, grandson, neighbor, grandchild of a employee to arrive. My pastor and some church family came to pray with me. It was very refreshing to have all the people there with me because I knew that my calm was going to break sooner or later. People were in and out my room all day. They would come in the room with smiles just trying to keep me calm. Then later I would find out that they would leave out and go to the grieving waiting room and break down.

I was still OK but finally it was time to push and I broke down. Part of me wanted him to stay inside me. I felt like he was safe in there. Part of me wanted to meet my baby. I had all kinds of emotions running through. Before my pushing was really active, Nurse came in to talk about arrangements. Gosh, I didnt want to talk about that. All my options, naming him, baptizing him, burial and etc. Then she finally warned me that he may not look very good. He may not look like a normal baby since we still don't know what happened, it was no telling what to expect. After A LOT of breakdowns from my family, My baby boy, Michael was here. He was beautiful. I am not just saying that neither. I know that newborn babies are not cute. My other 3 werent cute. They were lil prume face babies. When I tell you he was beautiful, he was beautiful. He was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, head full of hair, 10lbs 5 ozs of gorgeous baby. The nurses and doctors came in to talk to me and informed me that they were going to clean him up and I could have as much free time as I wanted with him. Well, I dressed him, kissed, and introduced him to my family. He looked like he was a sleeping baby. Nothing weird or scary about him. He was a big ole chubby baby. He came into this world as a toddler, I always tell people.

I don't know what came over me but I finally said Mikey its time for you to go home with Grandpa. I am OK and I love you dearly. I don't know where that came from. But at that moment I knew that smell was my grandfather telling me that he was there with us through this. Everyone left the room and I sang to him and said my final goodbyes.

The next 3 days were hell. I mean I came to the hospital with a baby and went home empty handed. I finally broke. I cried and cried. I questioned God. I questioned the Devil. Why did they want MY baby. By this time, my grandmother came to town. This is the grandmother of my decreased grandpa. What humbled me and let God guide me is when she called one of her sisters on the phone to talk to me. My Grand Aunt told me that God needed him. He was too prefect for this world and he had to go home. She told me to depend on my faith. She told me God never takes something from you with out blessing you with something else. She said he is going to bless you with twins next time. I was like OK and blew it off (remember I told you that I have 3 yr old twins) Mind you at this point my faith was being tested. But I did, I prayed and I prayed. I finally had his home going service. It was one of the hardest things that I could ever do. I didnt want to leave that gravesite. I did not want to leave my baby, my first born.

Now Tuesday was my son's funeral and my husband had to leave to go out of town the next day. He was starting a new job and his training was in Connecticut. We were living in Maryland at the time. He told me he would stay but I knew he may have needed that time to just....grieve alone like he wanted to. The whole time he wouldn't cry in front of me. He didn't want to hurt me byshowing me what he felt was weakness.

I wont go into more details about it but that April. The week before Easter was the hardest time for me. It tested me. I thought I was going to lose my mind but here I am. I dont think I am too crazy :)

Ok, I know this all leads you with the question of what happened to Mikey. I don't know. No one knows. When I said my final goodbyes he was suppose to go for an autospy to find out. Well later the next day, the funeral home called and asked if we decided to not to get the autospy because there is no signs of one being preformed. By this time, he was at the funeral home. The hospital and the doctor called and asked him I wanted him shipped back to the hospital to have it preformed. I told them no. I couldnt bare the thought of my child not being laid to rest and being transported back and forth. I think that's why Michael Jackson death was so disturbing to me. LAY THE MAN TO REST. Well there were issues with law suits and everything but finally I didnt care about it anymore and I let it all go. Only thing it was doing was hurting me more. I couldnt go through it anymore. So til this day, I dont know what happened. I honestly believe God did that on purpose.

All I want to remember is my beautiful baby boy....

Next post will be about trying to move on and my next 2 pregnancies. I have to break this up. I will be suprised if anyone reads this to the end. I know it was really long and probably lots of grammatical errors. Sorry Ya'll!!



I read it till the end. I almost had to grab a tissue, but I am at work and gotta keep it together. It is very brave of you to post something so personal.

Mom.Wife.Me said...

Thank you so much for reading I promise the story will deliver a big ole smile.