Monday, November 2, 2009

Am I where I want to be in life??

This is a question that I ask myself ALL the time. I analyze EVERYTHING. I am known to over analyze, also. I honestly debate all the time if I am where I want to be. I think that I am a wonderful mother. I have to say that I had a great foundation planted from my mother. She always placed her family first. Which shown me that I HAVE to place my family first. I felt nourished and loved when I watched my mother sacrifice it all for her family. I always told myself that when I grow up that I wasnt going to be like my mother. I wasn't going to live my life through my kids. I think that was the only flaw that my mother had. She had placed all her time and energy towards her kids. Not that it was a bad thing for my brother and me but I think that my mother should have had a life outside of her kids. 

Now with that said, I see myself falling victim with the same issue. I NEED a life outside of my children. Not because I don't love them but because they wont be little and running around my house forever. I will nourish their souls, rear them to be ready for the world, and steal all the kisses and hugs that I can. Then when they are gone what am I going to do. My mother went back to college. I was soooo proud of her. I was in my twenties when she graduated. She worked hard and graduated with recognition from Who's Who magazine. I decided to go back to school while my children were young. I want to finish now. They wont even remember when mommy was in college. So that's out of the way. Then what? I want a business. I really do. I haven't had the time to really concentrate on that because of school. I know that once all three of mine are in school full time, I will have more time to dedicate to my dream.

Then leaves me wondering how can I fulfill my dreams with my husband career. I guess that is what my mother faced. We have husbands that career didn't allow us set up a stabilized home. This is one reason why I don't travel with him when he goes to all these schools. I could follow him but I decided to sacrifice my time with my husband to ensure that I don't uproot my children every few months. Been there done that. I didn't like it when I was growing up and I was not going to do it to my children. Moving every 3 years is enough. People ask me all the time how can I be without my husband for so long. My marriage is build on God's love and foundation. Don't get me wrong it is hard to have my husband away but all this will pay off. I love him. He loves me. If you are dedicated to each other, distance is just an obstacle you will learn to overcome with different avenues.

Side note: I do have to say that my decision...well mine and husband decision has been very testing. This is not the first time not having him home but I realize the more that he is gone the more we appreciate each other. So the distance hasn't been unbearably hard on us as a couple. Thank God for computers, webcams,  phones, highways and cars. If there is a will, there is a way.

I plan to be a full time mother for some years to come. I will probably go back to work part time but like I said my family will come first. Do I miss working? Damn right I do. Its a bitch sometimes not going out to work and not being with people my age. Talking to little people all day can be draining. This is why I'm searching for my inner self. I want to find me before it's to late. I don't care what anyone says. There is a time that I believe that its too late. 

What's my plan? I'm not sure yet! I still have to decide how I am going to make my dream flourish and at the same time support my husband's dream. The benefits of a wife..huh! :)
 I am getting there.

"Nobody told me the road would be easy. I don't believe he bought this far to leave to me."



Even though I am not a mother, I do understand where you are coming from. Anytime there is someone or people in your family that need you there are going to be sacrifices. I think the sacrifices are well worth it, but after it's all said it done it leaves you wondering "now what do I do". Because there is so much time invested in someones elses well being, that it often makes us forget about what our dreams are. I believe eventually, life will lead you to where you need to be in order to make your dreams come true. Still, you sound like you have a good plan. Everything will workout in the long run.

Mom.Wife.Me said...

Probably part of my problem is over analyzing. I am really bad about that. I believe that I have to be on a time line for everything. I try not to think about it like that but cant help it.


I don't think there is anything wrong with over analyzing things, (maybe because I do it) I guess the key is to find a balance. Somethings you can control (which are worth analyzing). Then there are the things that you can't control (which aren't really worth analyzing). It's tough though, especially when you are so used to analyzing everything.

Tasha said...

OMG! You so sound like me and my mama (bless her soul) i used to grow up saying that i am not going to be like her, although she wasn't a bad parent at all, but she dedicated so much of her time to us, and trying to keep up with my dad that it just seems like she never got a chance to dad and mom seperated majority of my life, so it was just normal to us for him to be home for about 5 years then decide he didn't want to be married anymore, then they seperate for about 3-5 then he decides he wants to come back home, girl this went on for years,and this is the part that i refused to be...and we she got sick i decided that life was too precious to waste it on worrying, stressing, and trying to prove that you are a great wife, and the person still runs over you. well i started planning, me time, family time, and me/hubby time, living my life so i started having girl trips i went to jamaica, bahamas, and still planning, myself and the hubby will be taking a cruise soon, but with all this being said you have to realize that you have just one life, and how you choose to live it is up to you!!! People often say live like there's no tomorrow, yet they aren't, so i want to live my life with meaning and purpose and do as God says and treat others right, and just live, laugh and love, so that when it is my time to leave this earth, i will leave with no regrets....Loved reading your post