This is a question that I ask myself ALL the time. I analyze EVERYTHING. I am known to over analyze, also. I honestly debate all the time if I am where I want to be. I think that I am a wonderful mother. I have to say that I had a great foundation planted from my mother. She always placed her family first. Which shown me that I HAVE to place my family first. I felt nourished and loved when I watched my mother sacrifice it all for her family. I always told myself that when I grow up that I wasnt going to be like my mother. I wasn't going to live my life through my kids. I think that was the only flaw that my mother had. She had placed all her time and energy towards her kids. Not that it was a bad thing for my brother and me but I think that my mother should have had a life outside of her kids.
Now with that said, I see myself falling victim with the same issue. I NEED a life outside of my children. Not because I don't love them but because they wont be little and running around my house forever. I will nourish their souls, rear them to be ready for the world, and steal all the kisses and hugs that I can. Then when they are gone what am I going to do. My mother went back to college. I was soooo proud of her. I was in my twenties when she graduated. She worked hard and graduated with recognition from Who's Who magazine. I decided to go back to school while my children were young. I want to finish now. They wont even remember when mommy was in college. So that's out of the way. Then what? I want a business. I really do. I haven't had the time to really concentrate on that because of school. I know that once all three of mine are in school full time, I will have more time to dedicate to my dream.
Then leaves me wondering how can I fulfill my dreams with my husband career. I guess that is what my mother faced. We have husbands that career didn't allow us set up a stabilized home. This is one reason why I don't travel with him when he goes to all these schools. I could follow him but I decided to sacrifice my time with my husband to ensure that I don't uproot my children every few months. Been there done that. I didn't like it when I was growing up and I was not going to do it to my children. Moving every 3 years is enough. People ask me all the time how can I be without my husband for so long. My marriage is build on God's love and foundation. Don't get me wrong it is hard to have my husband away but all this will pay off. I love him. He loves me. If you are dedicated to each other, distance is just an obstacle you will learn to overcome with different avenues.
Side note: I do have to say that my decision...well mine and husband decision has been very testing. This is not the first time not having him home but I realize the more that he is gone the more we appreciate each other. So the distance hasn't been unbearably hard on us as a couple. Thank God for computers, webcams, phones, highways and cars. If there is a will, there is a way.
I plan to be a full time mother for some years to come. I will probably go back to work part time but like I said my family will come first. Do I miss working? Damn right I do. Its a bitch sometimes not going out to work and not being with people my age. Talking to little people all day can be draining. This is why I'm searching for my inner self. I want to find me before it's to late. I don't care what anyone says. There is a time that I believe that its too late.
What's my plan? I'm not sure yet! I still have to decide how I am going to make my dream flourish and at the same time support my husband's dream. The benefits of a wife..huh! :)
I am getting there.
I am getting there.
"Nobody told me the road would be easy. I don't believe he bought this far to leave to me."